What could you do differently?
This is a question that plagues me. As someone with anxiety and depression, I regularly ponder on the what-ifs of the past and what could be’s of the future.
The honest answer is: everything.
The productive, and realistic, answer is: management.
While I’ve been a writer and author for over a decade now, just as I’ve been a graphic designer, I’ve acquired skills in terms of managing. I know how to manage a team in a productive environment, how to help when requested, and how to work as a team.
I started my career when I was still in high school; I created a magazine that was enjoyed monthly by thousands.
While dealing with social media, production, and distribution, as well as writing my content for the eZine, my primary role was ensuring everyone partaking was happy and that the work was done on time.
That skill has never really left me. Give me a task and a team, and I’ll move mountains.
But when it comes to my own management – management of my free time, my personal financials, my workspace, my bedroom… They’re all very… not managed.
My kitchen is as organised as possible without kicking my parents out, but everything else is beyond chaotic.
I think about how it could be different constantly, mostly to the point that I end up with production paralysis. Speaking with my therapist, it’s most likely due to my
“undiagnosed” ADHD – as trying to get an official diagnosis in the UK is like squeezing blood from a stone, or paying thousands just to be told you’re “high functioning”, not because you’re not suffering, but because you’re suffering in silence effectively.
I turned 25 last year, and I’m still struggling to get my life together.
Some days, I lay in bed due to fatigue and stare into the distance. Yet, I could be doing something productive, even while laid down – I proved that with my last book published in 2018, which I wrote while almost entirely incapacitated.
But I can’t; I get paralysed. Not in the same way as my limbs not moving – though that does happen a lot due to other issues I face – instead, it’s like I know I have things to do, but I can’t seem to do them.
This year, I’m hoping to finally get an official diagnosis so that we no longer have to refer to my ADHD as “undiagnosed”.
Being told by three therapists and several doctors that I have ADHD, but for none of them to be able or allowed to give me an official diagnosis is beyond me.
My local ADHD centre only deals with thirty ADHD assessments a year, with them suggesting it takes a whole week to confirm… I’m not sure about you, but if I only did 30 weeks of work a year instead of the required 48, I suspect the company I work for would be pretty pissed.
So, what could I do differently? I could try not to be so hard on myself for something I cannot physically change. I could enjoy the life I have, for as long as I have it. And I could try not to have manic episodes lasting over 24 hours without sleep.
Two of these things are possible, the other… not so much.
What do you think? What could you do differently?
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