Something has been brought to my attention recently by two people: the measurement of a person. And by this, I mean the measurement of worthiness, fun, love, and so on.
I have issues seeing myself as worthy or worth of my being.
I measure worth by impact. If I’ve impacted more than twenty-five peoples’ lives for the better, then I consider myself as worthy.
The problem is that if I don’t see the impact, I don’t acknowledge that I’ve had an impact – and, therefore, am not worthy. It comes back to the idea that I wouldn’t be missed when I’m gone and that being gone would make the world a better place. Suicidal Ideation is a big part of this, given that it’s passive – but it’s still there. At the moment, I’m working on accepting others’ measurements of myself, whether it’s how they measure how fun I am to be around, how helpful I am, or even how worthy I am of their time. We all measure people differently, and while I see everyone but myself as worthy, some of the people I see as worthy often feel unworthy themselves.
It isn’t easy to handle, but I’m working on it. I’m hoping this makes even an ounce of sense because I’m not even sure if it does.
Here’s to hoping.
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