THROWBACK TO MAY 2019.
Note: Since this, I’ve gone through a lot of learning about my mental health issues and even been re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder – that being said: this is still very relevant.
I was diagnosed with depression aged twelve after being in a depressed state for almost six years. It wasn’t anyone’s fault; it wasn’t that I didn’t go out often enough, or I wasn’t getting enough fresh air. It wasn’t because my parents didn’t love me, because they did and still do. I have depression because of a medical imbalance. It’s called Major Depressive Disorder, and it can affect anyone with a Mental Health — which, contrary to popular belief, everyone has.
Depression, or MDD, is a pain and for some, it’s like a ticking time bomb. In the same way that cancer destroys your body, depression can corrode your mind — making it flake and crumble. For some of us, we don’t experience the destruction; it’s managed well enough that it’s liveable with the disease.
Others aren’t as lucky, especially those that find it hard to get the proper help in this horrific world. Where counsellors are £45 to £90 an hour, mental health charities have a six-month waiting list, and the NHS team try their best to dismiss your issues because they either don’t to help or can’t afford to.
When an online or hotline crisis centre is your primary form of support, with your mental health is slowly worsening — it’s understandable why people think of committing suicide.
Depression stops you from being able to enjoy anything. Yes, you’ll smile every once in a while — or like me, you may always be laughing — but on the inside, you’re crying. I did a stand-up gig online once — it was an excellent set, and everyone enjoyed the stream. But when people found out I had depression, they either questioned how I was so happy or accused me of not actually having depression.
However, the thing to remember about depression is that it’s not a constant state and not everyone suffering depression has MDD. MDD is a Chemical Imbalance. While depression is an emotion — it’s usually present after bereavement, after illness, during illness, or a life-changing event such as losing your job.
Both can come and go — but with MDD it’s never really gone, it’s still there but has a lower impact when receiving the right care and caring for yourself correctly.
I get into a depressive slump for many reasons, from feeling dysphoric, feeling dysmorphic, or self-deprecating (which I do so much)… There are many triggers for it, and everyone suffers from it differently. The main thing is taking care of yourself. Sometimes you need to be selfish. You may need to avoid subjects, have some quiet time, time away from people, cut ties, or even miss events.
Take care of yourself, because if you don’t — there won’t be any of yourself there left to be enjoyed.
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